Jason Irwin dot Net

The Painful Long-Distance Only Relationship

May 27, 2008 Internet, World

Long distance relationships can be incredibly difficult and, just like local relations, come with a host of hurdles to overcome. Just as one expects from any serious relationship, being so far from a loved one requires such pious virtues as honest, love, respect, communication and, above all, trust. Many long distance attempts often end with the painful realization that there is little chance of one person moving closer to the other. Others, like Reiko and I, persevere to close the geographical distance and get married. However, some seem to have an altogether different problem: they can only be a long distance couple.

A friend of mine in Jamaica has this problem and he’s asked me to put into words some of his painful realizations over the last few months.

Connected, Yet Disconnected

My friend, let’s call him “Bob”, has enjoyed a long-term and long-distance relationship with a young woman in South Korea. For the last three years, they’ve met online to stay in touch and share their lives. Every summer, Bob would fly to Seoul for 10 days to spend time with “Joo-Eun”, and she would spend a week in Jamaica every Christmas. Both 27 years old, they shared many common interests and seemed like the perfect couple.

Online we could see these two flirt with each other in the public chat rooms, and in their private conversations they would share anything and everything a couple might say in person. It looked like a match made in heaven, though separated by half a planet.

Bob and Joo-Eun decided that it would be easier if he were to move to Seoul, and started to make the arrangements. He studied Korean, prepared the necessary forms, obtained the proper work visa, and quit his job at the Radisson in Hamilton to start at another one in Seoul. Finally, he made the move from his home country to the hustle and bustle of South Korea in November of last year.

As expected, we didn’t hear from Bob very much online. He was living in a country he had fallen in love with and was close to the woman he had pledged to start a family with. However, two weeks later, Bob was back online for six hours a day from his home. Mae-ung, who had become very quiet in the chat room since Bob’s arrival, was also more active. Of course, Bob and Joo-Eun were not living together at the time, so I figured it might have been due to work schedules.

Unfortunately, this was not the case.

The Uncomfortable Silence

In February, Bob and Joo-Eun started to act differently toward each other. It was no secret that the couple had been arguing since Christmas, but they usually had a pretty good relationship while online together. However, they seemed to have run out of things to say. Bob would still talk about video games, Korean dramas and how subtitle-technology should be built into glasses so we can always understand what people are saying, but he wasn’t talking about Joo-Eun. He wasn’t talking to her very often, either. Considering how these two people had managed to survive a committed long-distance relationship, most of their online friends were worried.

We thought that perhaps the transition from long-distance to something a little more local was the problem and, since I’ve had experience with this, I was nominated as the group’s voice for such matters. The following day, Bob and I had a man-to-man and this is an actual exerpt from the conversation. Only our nicknames have been changed.

<Jason> I don’t mean to pry, but what’s goin’ on between you and Joo-Eun?
– 10 minute pause –
<Bob> its hard man
<Jason> what do you mean?
<Bob> we fighting
<Bob> shes fighting
<Bob> not me
<Jason> what’s she saying?
<Bob> she say i dont talk
<Bob> she say i dont pay attention anymore
<Bob> i dont get it
<Bob> I move to korea
<Bob> I take a shitty job
<Bob> i see her every chance
<Bob> but its no enuf

I stopped correcting Bob’s grammar and spelling years ago, but the message was quite clear. A communications problem had developed between the two, and some strong emotions had taken root, and the combination of the two were starting to cause some serious problems.

Deciding to dig a little further, I continued talking to Bob while messaging Joo-Eun to get her version of the story.

<Jason> Hihi Joo-Eun. I don’t mean to pry, but is there something going on between you and Bob? Everyone’s kinda worried.
– 30 minutes later –
<Joo-Eun> I don’t want to talk about it
<Jason> Okay. Everyone’s worried, that’s all
<Joo-Eun> then have everyone tell Bob to stop fantasising about his computer
<Jason> ???
<Jason> what do you mean?
<Joo-Eun> he doesn’t talk when we’re together anymore
<Joo-Eun> instead he answers everything in one or two words
<Joo-Eun> I feel like I’m talking to the wall
<Jason> Really? But you’re always chatting to each other online
<Joo-Eun> yeah … that’s the problem
<Joo-Eun> we *only* chat online

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and it’s something I should have seen earlier. Bob had been the only Jamaican in our little chat room for years. He didn’t go out very often before meeting Joo-Eun, and went out even less once his love life flourished online. Much like me in Vancouver, he had very little opportunity to communicate with people face to face. When left in a situation of prolonged computer-less discussion, he ran out of subjects to talk about. And, just like me, when he ran out of things to talk about, he would become quiet.

Not good. This is something that needed to be confronted head-on with Bob.

<Joo-Eun> if that’s not enough, he doesn’t do anything special anymore
<Joo-Eun> he used to buy me flowers or teddy bears while in Jamaica
<Joo-Eun> now he doesn’t do anything romantic
<Joo-Eun> he tells me that he loves me
<Joo-Eun> but it sounds like he’s just saying it
<Joo-Eun> like he’s convincing himself
<Joo-Eun> I feel so alone when I’m with him
<Jason> ouch…
<Jason> have you explained this to him?
<Joo-Eun> he gets angry when I bring it up
<Joo-Eun> I don’t think it’ll work anymore

Uh oh.

<Jason> do you still love him?
<Joo-Eun> I do … but it’s like we need to be in different countries for us to work
<Joo-Eun> I don’t know what to do aymore
<Jason> may I talk to him about it?
<Joo-Eun> I dno’t kno …

It was clear she was crying at this point. Joo-Eun’s typing ability was on par with my own, and she isn’t one to make so many simple mistakes. It was at this point that I took the plunge and completely inserted between the two.

<Jason> Bob, I was just talking to Joo-Eun
<Jason> she loves you quite a bit
<Bob> then why is she raggin on me?
<Jason> she says you two don’t talk anymore
<Bob> she says that?
<Jason> she’s also concerned because you’re ‘not as romantic’ as before
<Bob> I hate it when she say that!
<Bob> I’m not doing anything different!
<Jason> Mae said you used to surprise her with flowers, teddy bears and whatnot
<Bob> WTF!
<Bob> we’re always going shopping and I’m always payin man!
<Bob> i’m npt her bank man

Uh oh … This needs to be handled delicately. I don’t want to make the situation any worse.

<Jason> yeah, I know you do
<Jason> listen, Bob, this isn’t about money or stuff or anything like that
<Jason> she’s just saying that things have changed since you two started seeing each other IRL
– 10 minutes later –
<Jason> you still there?
– 20 minutes later –
<Bob> I’m going back to Jamaica
<Bob> we’ve decided to stop
<Jason> WHAT!?!?!?!
<Bob> its not your fault Jason
<Bob> Mae and I were talking just now
<Bob> its not gonna work
<Jason> but you’ve gone 3 years
<Jason> you’re going to walk away from all that?
<Bob> its over man
<Bob> i’m gone

With that, Bob disconnected and wasn’t heard from until mid-April … two months later. Joo-Eun was still online, but silent. I felt terrible for interfering. Everyone in the channel felt bad for the situation and, like many difficult subjects over the years, open discussion of the topic was taboo and limited to private conversations only.

That said, when Bob did come back, something weird was immediately noticed. Both Bob and Joo-Eun were chatting away like they did in the first few months of their relationship. The subjects were limited to video games, TV, movies and music, but they were leading the group in time spent online. Less than a week later, they decided to try once again.

There were rules, though:

1. They would be long-distance lovers only
2. If they found someone local, then the relationship would change to “close friends”

Although nobody said it at first, we all had the same thought. It was something along the lines of “WTF?“.

Are Delusions More Attractive?

Bob and Joo-Eun get along great when together in the ever-etheral realm of the interweb, but cannot endure more than two weeks together. Oddly enough, this is not the first time I’ve seen this, either. I’d be curious to know if there’s some complicated name for this increasingly popular psychological condition. If there isn’t, then I suggest the name of Interweb-Only Syndrome. If marketed properly, perhaps some Japanese quack can blow the issue out of proportion and create some foul-tasting elixir for the condition.

Heck, perhaps one already exists.

What’s most interesting about Interweb-Only Syndrome is that these people get along great when separated. They often live in their own imaginary worlds, and communicate mainly through some combination of text messages, emoticons, audio snippets and video conversations. When asked about their feelings for their distant significant other, we’re told in very eloquent terms of a love that transcends time zones, continents and oceans. However, when given the luxury of prolonged exposure without the need for distracting technological devices, the relationships seem to fizzle and die.

The reasons cited are often the same. One person no longer communicates, they seem distant, or they’re no longer as actively interested as they appeared through an internet communications service.

Is this a growing problem due to the exposure many of us have had to the internet? Is this a result of an inate low estimation of our self worth? Is this the result of our ability to personify our ideal self in a realm where nobody can confirm or deny the accuracy of our statements? Is this a problem at all?

Who am I to judge? I’m not a sociologist, and I still feel bad for getting discussing the issue with Bob and Joo-Eun.

Instead, I’m much more interested in your thoughts. Have you seen situations like this? What’s your take on Interweb-Only Syndrome?

– Published with permission from “Bob” and “Joo-Eun” –

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