Jason Irwin dot Net

Only Nudists Should Fly

January 5, 2010 Featured, Politics, World

The amount of time, money, and energy people spend being terrified of terrorists is downright incredible.  Everyone has probably heard about the supposed “failed attempt” of a Nigerian man to ignite his underwear bomb on a flight bound for Detroit a few weeks ago by now.  I say supposed because according to a quick Google definition, terrorism is defined as “the calculated use of violence (or the threat of violence) against civilians in order to attain goals that are political or religious or ideological in nature; this is done through intimidation or coercion or instilling fear.”  Regardless of whether the underwear bomber would have been successful in destroying the plane mid-flight or not is neither here nor there as we can see that western nations have been scurrying like cockroaches in a lit room to take their insecurity measures to a whole new level of WTF-ness.

Case in point is the full body scanners that have been in use at some UK airports over the last year.  These scanners sell for about 750,000円 and are capable of peeking under the clothes of anyone who walks through them.  Not only does this allow security to check for any illegal objects carried outside of a person’s body (it can’t peek under the skin), but it provides a great tool to people looking for blurry images of naked people.

Naturally, due to child protection laws, people under the age of 18 have not yet been subjected to searches via the ePeep, but this is just a little technicality that can be subverted by another few bomb scares involving people as young as 6 months.  What better place to hide a kilo of C4 plastic explosive than in the diaper of a baby?

Truth be told, I’m really not looking forward to flying anytime in the future.  Even if I were to fly directly from Japan to Canada, the unnecessarily long security check process (which, for me, routinely involves 3 sets of full body examinations by different people) and ridiculous number of restrictions would make the sojourn so uncomfortable that I’d rather make the trek on a rotting sailboat with a shipload of spiders during typhoon season.  As a result, I’ll be keeping my feet firmly planted here in Japan until governments come to their senses and implement the only true method of ensuring absolute protection for people on flights; nudity.

Flying By the Seat of Our パンツ

People flying on a plane should not be permitted to wear any clothes except for a pair of tight-fitting underwear (or diaper) issued by the airlines.  People will be examined in the same condition as they were born, and given clean linen only after the examination.  People who are uncomfortable being naked in public should find other (more environmentally friendly) alternatives to flying.  I should also mention that children will not be exempt from this dehumanizing process, and no carry-on luggage will be permitted at all.

Not only will this prevent most religious people from flying, but it would help the environment by cutting down air travel by more than half what it is now.  Business people who often fly from place to place will now make more use of the trains or Skype, and the throngs of adventurous travelers in search of exotic locales to while away their time will stay local and boost the local economy.  Of course, people who enjoy a good show of nudity will get the added bonus of flying in a plane full of bored and mostly-naked people who will probably be far more open to polite discussion than most clothed people at a coffee house.

Naturally, people could still hide weapons in specially-trained body cavities, but the types of weapons would be severely limited.  Flying couldn’t get much safer than this.

What do you think? Is my idiotic plan sufficient to please governments and occasional flyer’s while simultaneously thwarting would-be terrorists?  Do you have a better idea? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Tags: airport, flight, security, WTF