Jason’s Random Thoughts

Nick over at RomanDock recently wrote a post discussing the importance of headlines, and decided to hand a few of them out in an effort to get some discussion going, as well as encourage some of the more silent sites to begin posting again. I’ll admit that I’m a bit tardy with this post, but it’s better late than never, right Nick?

My assignment was to write about the 26 reasons I should have stayed in Canada and, being the obtuse Canadian I am, I decided to have a little fun with the article. While everything I’ve written about here is at least 1% accurate, it’s all said in jest. I’ll admit that there are some aspects of Japan I occasionally find frustrating, but I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

So, without further delay, on with the list!

The Twenty-Six Reasons I Should Have Stayed In Canada are:

Zillions of Rules - Who knew that you could kill a business deal by offering a business card incorrectly? Who knew men shouldn’t press any buttons in an elevator if a woman is present? Who knew there was a wrong way to hand somebody a glass of beer? There seems to be an endless number of social rules and expectations that are not written in any text I’ve read.

Young ’til 30 - A 29 year-old woman in Japan can act like a 14 year-old right up until thirty (and sometimes longer). If this were to happen in Canada, they’d be walked on by every person around them and treated like an object by most every man they meet. It’s one thing to act younger than one’s age, but it’s another to portray innocence for too long.

X-Mas - Christmas in Japan seems to lack almost everything that makes the season so special in North America. Sure, everyone goes shopping and the endless parade of archaic Christmas music permeates the malls shortly before Hallowe’en, but where is the parking lot rage? Where is the mad dash and fist-fights at the toy store? Where are the aggressive Santas who accost city dwellers at every opportunity to collect coins for those in need? People are stressed at this time of year, but not because of shopping. And everyone knows that Christmas isn’t Christmas until somebody dies at a toy store after provoking the wrong parent.

Want to Be Friends? - Regardless of where I go, I can’t escape the lonely foreigners who spot me in a crowd and instantly try to start a conversation as though we’ve known each other for years. It’s gotten to the point where I actually respond in French with “Je suis désolé, je ne parle pas anglais” (I don’t speak English). I have nothing against people who want to chat, but when it’s the same questions over and over, enough is enough.

Vehicles Look Unsafe - In North America, cars are big and tend to look safe. We can see lots of horrible accidents where the crumple-zones of the vehicle have served their purpose and saved lives. Japanese cars, however, seem to be death traps waiting to metamorphosize from ‘mode of transportation’ to ‘coffin’.

Uniqueness Frowned Upon, Unless It’s “Style” - Even if we can program a PDA to fly the space shuttle remotely, we’re not permitted to use any of our skills or unique insights at our day job. Good thing we can at least try to blend in with big hair, loud clothes and gawdy sunglasses.

Television Is Weird - I recently wrote about Japan’s lack of breakfast cereal commercials and, rather than simply accept that the typical diet of Japan’s youth differs from what I’ve come to expect in my home country, I’ll just call it a deficiency and leave it at that. Oh, and game shows that regularily quiz people on the written language are just crazy … it’s like asking someone to decode binary to the roman alphabet.

Subway Traffic - Taking the subway in Japan is just as much an exercise in patience as it is a means of travel. How one avoids punching an oblivious school girl in the back of the head for obstructing more than one exit gate is a skill I’ve yet to master. (Note: No school girls have been punched in the back of the head as of this post)

Rental Fees - Why is it that it’s more expensive to rent a house than buy a car in Japan? Key money, security deposit, agency fees, consideration fees … All of this is in addition to first and last month’s rent! I had less trouble borrowing $20,000 from the bank to pay my tuition in 1997 than I did renting a home in Japan.

Quality Products - Why is it that if I buy something in this country, it will last for twice as long as the Canadian-sold equivalent? How am I expected to stay on the bleeding edge of technology if my current equipment just won’t stop working?

Printer Ink - ¥1200 for a new Canon ink cartridge? Are you nuts? If the replacement ink isn’t half the price of a new printer, then I have nothing to complain about. If I can’t air a grievance about an unfair price gouging practice, then why should I offer any sort of customer loyalty?

Overtime Is Mandatory - It’s bad enough we’re forced to take an expensive medical examination every year just to keep our jobs. Why complicate things with mandatory OT? That said, it wouldn’t be so bad if it was paid OT.

Natto - A fermented bean “treat” that looks like some unholy mixture of mucus and spider eggs. We’re expected to put this in our rice? No thank you.

Mandatory Retirement Age - Why are companies expected to force out employees once they hit the big six-oh? If I want to work with a reasonable salary until I’m 95, I should have the option!

Long Working Hours - Companies in Japan will expect about 12 hours of work for the price of 7, and God help you if you’re on salary. To add insult to injury, “flex time” in this country does not mean you do your 8 hours whenever you like, but instead you do your expected extra hours outside of the mandatory 8 am - 6 pm schedule.

Kanji - 危険！これで人が殺せるよ！ means “Danger! This could kill you!” Need I say more?

J-Pop “Fashion” Trends - Explain to me how women’s clothing, which is far less substantial than men’s clothing, can be successfully sold for ridiculous amounts of money while simultaneously making the high-spending fashion-chic individual look about as classy as a 5 yen coin. Every year the artists wear less, and every year the price goes up.

Interac - Why is cash the only payment option in this country? You’d think that Japan, a nation that carries an image of cutting edge technology adoption and consumption, would allow things like payment by bank card.

Honest Thieves - In Canada, you knew when you were being price gouged. However, it seems that determining the “true cost” of something to see if we’re being scammed is next to impossible.

Girls Were Girls - If you see a gorgeous woman in a red dress from behind in Vancouver, chances are you’re actually seeing a gorgeous woman in a red dress. This is not always the case in Japan.

Fat Is Uncool - When I left Ontario, I weighed 242 lbs. In Vancouver I averaged 192 near the end. However, to be so heavy in Japan is just uncool. How can I enjoy excessive quantities of potato chips, pastas, cakes, breads and red meat if I can’t maintain the girth necessary to store the food for extended periods?

Elevator Customs - Men don’t touch the controls if a woman is present. Women stand near the controls, and are the last to leave. Extended conversations are frowned upon, even in whispers. It’s 1920 all over again.

Donarudo Maku-Donarudo - Or “Ronald McDonald” as he’s known outside Japan. The red-haired Michael Jackson wannabe is nothing more than an annoying ceramic fixture in Canada. However, seeing this failed mime in Japan is a regular occurrence. The company should learn that clowns aren’t cool and replace him with someone more appropriate; Dr. Nick, comes to mind.

Cheese! - My God, I miss cheese. One of my sinful indulgences while living in Canada was consuming 200 grams of high quality cheddar, marble, or edem cheese while playing video games. No such luck in this country.

Baseball Shouldn’t Be Fun - When was the last time you went to a major league ball game in North America? I love the sport, but I’ve come to love it as a 4 hour ordeal involving unhealthy amounts of patience, deep pockets and having the obvious tedium of the game interspersed with a few seconds of action. In Japan, every inning is as exciting as the last, and great seats can be had for a minimal cash outlay. How dare they!

Asian Women Are Gorgeous - I am a married man and, as such, I (technically) shouldn’t be looking at the opposite sex unless I’m looking at my wife. In Canada, this was a relatively simple task as only 40% of the population was Asian, and only 60% of those were female. The ratio is a little different in Japan.

So there you have it. Twenty-six reasons I should have stayed in Canada. While some of these issues are more important than others, they’ve all played a role in my life.

Have I missed anything? Is anything glaringly incorrect? What keeps you in the land of the rising sun?

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